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PoliciesHow to be a bad customer
All of the ways you’re making life difficult for brands looking to show you a good time.
This week, we’re letting you in on what makes a customer good or bad, so you can hold up your end of the deal in your brand relationships.
Christopher Moriarty
Creative
Storytelling
5 minute read
A good customer relationship is all about balance. And right now, we at [BRAND] feel that you, the customer, haven’t been holding up your end of the bargain.
I mean, we know all about you. We know what people your age have been into over the past six to twelve months, and we even have projections for the sort of things you may like when you move into our next data capture bucket. But what do you really know about us? Nothing.
I mean, we know all about you. We know what people your age have been into over the past six to twelve months, and we even have projections for the sort of things you may like when you move into our next data capture bucket. But what do you really know about us? Nothing.
In short
- Customer relationships are two sided – for things to work you’ve got to hold up your end of the deal.
- Your lack of commitment to your brand relationships is making life very hard for your brands.
- Nobody ever said relationships were easy. You’ve got to work for them.
This brings us to the first way that you, the customer, have been failing at CX.
You hardly ever open our emails
Just because you’re a cold lead doesn’t mean you have to give us the cold shoulder. Your data didn’t come cheap and we went to all the trouble of working your name into the limited character space of our subject line. Should we be sending more frequently? You need to open at least one of our multiple daily emails or else this relationship will start to feel very one-sided, and quite frankly, a bit needy.
"You need to open at least one of our multiple daily emails or else this relationship will start to feel very one-sided, and quite frankly, a bit needy."
If you’ve moved, you need to tell us
Maybe your inbox is full, but that’s okay, we've got it covered. Regular letters are lots of fun, right? Sure they are. So we’ve got a pile of mail coming your way. That’s right, we know where you live, unless you moved. If you moved, you need to update your address, because rain, hail or shine, nothing stops the mail… not even unsubscribing.
You’re not giving us your click-throughs
When you do finally open our emails, and thanks for that, you don’t actually click on any of the many hyperlinked sentences or images. What gives? We have KPI metrics that live or die on your click-throughs1. Our fate is literally in your hands and all you have to do is click. Why won’t you click? Just click one link, or we will have to add more.
You seem to lack all sense of direction
So you opened an email, found a link you liked and followed it to our site, but our analytics tell us that you scrolled around for a while without locating what you were looking for. Did you get lost? How are you so bad at this? Everything you need is nested right there under multiple subsections you need to systematically search until you happen across the right one. It’s so easy even our CEO’s teenage nephew (the one who designed our site) could do it.
When we made you an offer you couldn’t refuse, you refused it
All you have to do is spend at least $1000 on your credit card and share your data, plus the details of two friends or family members, with our third-party partner site. And if you all share our competition across three of your social media sites accompanied by a post of twenty five words or less describing why [BRAND] is the company you choose above all others, you’ll multiply your chances of winning our major prize: up to $30 in redeemable store credit. What could be easier than that?
We’re a progressive workplace and you’re scared of progress
We’ve been gradually reducing our human staff and allocating a percentage of the saved revenue into a smart little [BRAND] chat bot which we’ve made available to you 24/7. Whenever you need a vague and unsatisfying answer, they’re right there in the app to offer you one. They’re the perfect employee – always on call, never sick or late, and known to deflect a good 70% of traffic from our call centres. But our reporting shows us that you’ve been avoiding them. We don’t know how else to say this, but you’re being really robophobic right now. Human employees are a thing of the past. These janky A.I. chat bots are here to stay. So get used to them, because they’ll soon be your only point of contact.
You’re beginning to make us question your Customer Loyalty
We are so loyal to you, or at least the idea of you, and we really need to see that loyalty reciprocated and reflected in our next quarter projected earnings. Sadly, by spending money and time with other businesses, you’ve chosen to hurt us where it stings the most, right in our bottom line. Why didn’t you sign up to our Rewards Card? We get the details of your shopping habits, and you get points. Points you can use to buy more of our products. See, everyone wins!
See, CX is easy
You’ve just got to adjust your natural behaviour to match the way our business operates. We haven’t given up on you yet, and we hope that with just a few small changes you’ll be able to master your customer experience relationship with us. Because at [BRAND] we believe that if you want it, you’ve got to work for it. You can do this.
on picking up your social game
Our expensive research data tells us you’re spending almost two hours a day on social media2. But all that screen time and no Likes, no Shares? Radio silence. Until you need to complain about how long it takes to reach our offshore call centre, and boy, do we hear from you then.
Written by Christopher Moriarty, 52 Words & editing by Adelaide Anderson, key visual by Alice Guo and page built by Laura Murphy & Patrick Brennan.
References
- CXL, What is a “Good” Click-Through Rate? Click-Through Rate Benchmarks, (20, May 2020) CXL.
- Cristina Forlani, Time Spent Online Has Increase By 10% Year-On-Year, (9, Feb 2021) B&T.
